The Past

by Majestic Fantasist
  • April 14, 2008
  • Short Story
  • Fantasy

Currently under construction.

:D

Comments & reviews · 3
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Talking_Pinata
Comment
Talking_Pinata commented · Tue Apr 15, 2008 11:23 pm

Wow. Thumbs up. You've got me hooked. Grammar mistakes have seemingly been taken care of. Thumbs up again, I actually was drawn in a read the whole thing, which is a big deal, for me.

User avatar
deavarna_satina
Review
deavarna_satina wrote a review · Mon Apr 14, 2008 11:23 am

First of all I would like to say that you have caught my attention. This is an interesting idea that you have here and I would love to read more! And if you have been planning fo a few weeks, then I assume you have got the plot sorted. If so, big thumbs up! It's so annoying to plan, but it creates a better tale.

Now, on to the editing!

Cassie crept through the door, imaging a feather in her mind as her toes hit the floor.

Doesn't sound right. Try imagining.

It didn’t work as well as she would have liked, soft clacking noises from her shoes followed her feet through the kitchen

I think this would flow better if you make it either a semi colan or a full stop.
She reached past the toilet and turned on the bathwater, she had to get it out of her hair.

Same as above

She felt upset, she would never be able to wear it again.

Same as above.

It was soothing, and she let it run over her, leaving her thoughts behind. All she concentrated on was the water its smooth fingers running through her, begging her to let go.

Hmm... this might read better as 'All she concentrated on was the water. Its smooth fingers ran through her...' or All she concentrated on was the water as it ran its smooth fingers through her...' Also, I'm not sure that 'smooth fingers ran through her' is quite right. Maybe something like 'ran over her skin' would suit it better.

After she was sure that she was clean, she stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel from the shelf above the toilet around her head to dry her hair.

Shower? Before you said she turned the bathwater on. And you don't need to say that she wrapped the towel around her head to dry her hair. We can assume as much, so you can leave the 'to dry her hair' out.

She shut off the light, sick of the mirror's emotionless eyes staring at her.


The voice came from behind her, out of the darkened door frame behind her.

No need to say it twice, we now know that the voice came from behind her.

He opened the door to the bathroom and turned on the light.


“Oh no, I’m proud of you.” He said,

This should be "Oh no, I'm proud of you,' he said

“No. And now Oliver owns me twenty dollars.”

Owns or owes?

She turned away from him when he approached. Entering her room and throwing the dress on to the top of her trash bin.

Maybe 'entering her room, she threw the dress into her trash bin'

Why wouldn’t he just leave?


She had wanted to be apart of this group.

Should be 'a part'. Apart would mean she wants to be away from them.

It was like watching an addict suffering through withdrawal. Only he new when his next fix was coming. It was the waiting the killed him.

Good simile :-) However, it should be knew not new.

A vision of Lysov still doing this at the age of fifty, not that he was even likely to reach such an age.

I think you should say 'a vision of Lysov doning this at the age of fifty crossed her mind... It makes more sense.

Drinking, smoking, and the occasional death situation were not exactly life prolonging activities.

Should be life-prolonging.

He left the room, turning to close her door and flashing an excited smile at her before closing the door.

Only need to say that he is closing the door once. Readers have long memories. They wont forget that he is in the process of closing the door in the time it takes to flash his excited smile :lol:

Now it wasn’t just the fear of not caring, she was afraid of turning into Lysov. Of becoming eager. Of not caring how many dresses were ruined on the way, as long as you could gain control over someone else’s life, if only for a moment. Because none of them had any control over their own.

I like this bit. Especially the last line. A good note to finish your first installement on.

Overall a well-written and engaging story. I shall be looking out for more of it :-)



*Sad football bagpipes*
— DougalOfBiscuits